Things I have learned

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. But if you do, sleep in the bathtub ...

If you are extremely drunk and swear you will never drink too much again, you will forget this when you are sober.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "Government."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." If you don't understand this, try putting up your own blog.

You'd better get all your sex here on earth because there won't be any in heaven.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life. Or, work to life not live to work ... but if you can't follow this, email me your ladies phone number and I'll keep her occupied while you are busy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. We all need something to laugh about...

Never lick a steak knife, or a frozen metal object. But, if you are dying of curiosity, go for it and get ready for some incredible fun.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. Next would be women's talk shows...

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. Even if you don't follow it, you'll be back in sync with everybody eventually.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

I have nothing against the institution of marriage ... I'm just not ready for an institution yet.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

A rich man's joke is always funny.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails).

Always forgive your enemies. It will drive them nuts.

The trouble with being punctual is that usually, nobody is there to appreciate it.

Your friends love you anyway. But if you have none, I will be your friend for a small phenomenal fee...

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic, and politicians run our government.

You can see more of Jan Michaels musings or various and sundry humorous items at: Articles Heaven Or, Free Heaven

Related Information of Interest:

More things I have learned
Growing old does have one benefit ... experience. So, I am continuing here to share my vast pool of knowledge. Of course my girlfriend can't resist telling me I need to clean the pool, but heres the list anyway.

1. If you do anything that gets your hands wet, soapy or dirty, your nose WILL itch.

2. When you give your email out anywhere on the internet, you will soon learn all you never wanted to know about body part enhancements.

3. A cat does not love you. It simply allows you to live with it IF you pet, feed and clean it's litter box on a regular basis. Otherwise, you're history.

4. Your Co-Workers, on the other hand, DO love you ... at least as long as you continue to give them good stuff to talk about when you aren't around.

5. You are NOT the master of your fate. Your mother is. And when you get married, your wife is.

6. Life is beautiful .. Life sucks ... life is beautiful ... life sucks. Repeat as necessary.

7. There is a chip in all cars that keeps them from starting unless you stroke the dashboard correctly and sincerely mean it when you say "Come on baby .. you can do it".

8. Computers will only work correctly when you DON'T need them to.

9. A kiss is just a kiss, and a smile is just a smile, but a baby is forever.

10. There is no such thing as a ghost that can haunt you ... except in your own mind.

11. Nothing is carved in stone ... other than what will happen if you forget your other half's birthday or anniversary.

12. No matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be able to fold laundry according to your spouse's instructions.

13. Anything you think will happen, won't... and anything you think won't happen, will.

14. Love is a two way street .. unless you are on the freeway and then there may be lots of exits before you get somewhere.

You can see more of Jan Michaels musings or various and sundry humorous items at: Articles Heaven Or, Free Heaven

Senior Ticked For Walking Too Slow; Others Try Roller Skates
An 82-year-old woman was recently issued a ticket in California for crossing a street too slowly. A police officer, who arrived on a motorcycle, told her she was obstructing traffic – and issued her a summons for $114.

Responding to the uproar caused by the curious traffic ticket, the municipality has begun to wonder if it should work out ways to help seniors cross streets without fear of incurring a penalty.

It is, of course, much too optimistic to hope that the municipality and the nation at large will speed to their rescue with such startling innovations as walk signs that last longer.

As a result, seniors, alarmed by the pricy citation, particularly those who are living on social security, are taking steps of their own, as they frantically search for ways to hurry along. Of course, electric wheelchairs have long been an option. But many simply don’t see themselves in the undeniably helpful items, at least, not until they encounter accidents due to the other resources they’ve been turning to, for instance, roller skates.

We also understand that bicycles have been selling briskly, particularly near retirement communities.

Of course, those who are fortunate enough to live with more able partners have the luxury of looking into other options, such as little red wagons and, in rural areas, wheelbarrows.

In a nutshell, seniors are turning to every possible mode of expedition they can think of, which generally means they’re equipped with the age-old facilitation of wheels.

While these alternative modes of transportation might offer suitable answers during balmier times, there is some concern about what to do when snow and ice cover the ground. Among the more daring sorts, there is talk of skis, while others are considering ice skates.

Until then, we can at least be glad that the dear recipient of the instigating ticket was not also issued points. Enough of those, and she’d have to be concerned about losing her walking license.

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

France Attacks Iran: U. S. And Britain Object
France, casting aside its usual insistence on diplomacy, even when it’s obvious to every person who happens to be alert that it can’t work, finally grew impatient with Iran’s centrifuge-rattling behavior and launched a unilateral attack on it.

As French mirage jets swooped down on Iran’s nuclear facilities and French troops launched a land assault from warships in the Persian Gulf, the United States and Britain voiced immediate objections.

President Bush said, “I just don’t understand why the French have gone ahead and attacked Iran without consulting us. It’s just not right to do things without having your allies on board.”

Tony Blair stated, “I would have thought President Chirac would have given more time for diplomacy to work. After all, we know it’s going to be at least a month or more before Iran has an atomic bomb.”

On the other hand, German Chancellor Merkel voiced support for the French attack, saying, “I actually felt it was time for a European leader to act as highhandedly as the Americans did in Iraq."

”Meanwhile, President Jacques Chirac dismissed allied concerns and vowed to continue his go-it-alone policies, stating, "I was at my cattle ranch in Bordeaux, when I realized Iran is even closer to France than it is to America. Of course, we usually wait for America to carry on a war we know is necessary for our own safety. It’s cheaper and a lot more popular with French voters. But I decided this is one war the French had to foot the bill for, even without American and British approval.”

The U. N. has not yet issued a comment on the preemptive French strike. At the time of this writing, Secretary General Kofi Annan had only recently finished his morning coffee, the beverage that has long been named after him, and he was just about to wander over to the General Assembly to see if any diplomats wanted to discuss the possibility of discussing the attack.

On the way, he commented, “You’d think Jacques would have at least given me us some advance notice. Although a lot of people have come to doubt it, the U. N. is still here.”

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.

What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”

We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”

Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!

Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw

“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve

“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve

“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear

“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson

“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan

“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan

“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde

“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley

Social sewage.” George Meredith

“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."