Things I have learned

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. But if you do, sleep in the bathtub ...

If you are extremely drunk and swear you will never drink too much again, you will forget this when you are sober.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "Government."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." If you don't understand this, try putting up your own blog.

You'd better get all your sex here on earth because there won't be any in heaven.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life. Or, work to life not live to work ... but if you can't follow this, email me your ladies phone number and I'll keep her occupied while you are busy.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. We all need something to laugh about...

Never lick a steak knife, or a frozen metal object. But, if you are dying of curiosity, go for it and get ready for some incredible fun.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. Next would be women's talk shows...

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. Even if you don't follow it, you'll be back in sync with everybody eventually.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

I have nothing against the institution of marriage ... I'm just not ready for an institution yet.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

A rich man's joke is always funny.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails).

Always forgive your enemies. It will drive them nuts.

The trouble with being punctual is that usually, nobody is there to appreciate it.

Your friends love you anyway. But if you have none, I will be your friend for a small phenomenal fee...

Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic, and politicians run our government.

You can see more of Jan Michaels musings or various and sundry humorous items at: Articles Heaven Or, Free Heaven

Related Information of Interest:

U.S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B.S. Into Fuel
While America is experiencing a gasoline shortage, the nation’s dependence on foreign oil is about to end.

A researcher at The Department of Energy, from which breakthrough ideas emanate on a regular basis, noticed that Americans, along with most people who ever lived, have a virtually unlimited and renewable supply of B. S. He wondered if it might be turned into fuel.

The hypothesis proved so promising that his work produced a marvelous result in as short a time as it took to record some B. S. from a wonderfully fertile colleague and wire it to a refinery. He calls the new potion Bio-Super.

“It’s the most concentrated fuel in history,” he tells us, “with an octane rating of 99.9. I figure we’ve got enough of a supply to meet our total energy needs for the foreseeable future. All we have to do is keep B. S.-ing the way we do, and we’ll have all the Bio-Super we and our children need.”

The product is ready for mass production. The technique calls for the collection of B. S. from all over the country by having the most irrepressible exponents of it talk into microphones. The B. S. is then broadcast to the closest refinery.

Bio-Super also has an advantage over other fuels in terms of pollution, because the process actually takes a lot of it out of the air.

Since the B. S. is so highly concentrated to begin with, the production of Bio-Super is quite a lot more efficient than the manufacture of biofuel from corn or woodchips. Just a hundred words of good old American B. S., particularly from people who like to hang out at bars after work and talk their heads off, can produce enough to fill up the gasoline tank on a Hummer.

The only negative aspect is the product’s exceptional volatility. Once you pump it into your tank, you have to slam the gas cap shut instantly or it will all evaporate. Motorists are also advised only to remove the cap when the gauge is nearly on empty and to stand aside; otherwise, there is the risk of being knocked out with a force that scientists have calculated is equivalent to six airbags.

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

Iraqi Insurgents In Secret Talks; Admit May Be Fighting Wrong Enemy
Iraqi insurgent groups, in secret talks with resourcefully pacifying President Jalal Talabani, admitted they may have been fighting the wrong enemy. Upon hearing the admission, President Talibani slapped his forehead so hard he fell over backwards and was unconscious for approximately three days.

Upon being resuscitated, he continued the talks. Apparently, the insurgents, most of whom are Sunni Muslims, have slowly begun to realize that American and coalition troops, who they have been making their best efforts to kill, may not be the real enemy. It seems they are also growing disenchanted with the practice of blowing up a dozen or so of their fellow countrymen every day.

While it is far too soon to expect them to realize that coalition troops are actually the helpful heroes who liberated their country from murderous despotism and will be delighted to depart their sandy realm as soon as they can get their act together and run their own country, the groups have indicated a marginal willingness to consider giving up their various armaments and roadside explosives.

Behind the change in their sentiment seems to be, not only their longtime-overdue displeasure with dismembering their own nation, but the realization that they are dangerously bordered by their traditional enemy, Iran, as they have been for quite a few thousand years, and that, because of the continuing discord, Iran has managed to increase its influence in the country, particularly among their uneasy Mosque fellows, the Shiite contingent of the legions of Mohammed. This perception is especially upsetting to the insurgents, because, as noted above, most of them are rival Sunni “Mosque-ovites.”

Their infuriatingly slow realization of the error of their ways is likely to elicit hardly more than ironic displeasure from the many families, coalition and Iraqi alike, who have lost loved ones during their misguided rampage.

But at least their willingness to talk and to consider mending their detonative ways is a glimmer of hope for the families whose sons and daughters are still in Iraq, attempting to do the right thing by the Iraqi people, Sunni and Shiite alike.

May the day soon come when enough of the knuckleheads realize the error of their war so we and the other nations that are in the hot sands we’ve gotten ourselves into can finally get our much underappreciated troops the heck out of there.

Tom Attea, creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

Travel Jokes
Traveling can be a humbling experience, particularly when you travel to a foreign country. Such experiences, of course, give rise to travel jokes.

Travel Jokes

1. Three brothers are sitting at the bar in a Moscow establishment. An older man is sitting at a table behind them and has obviously had too much vodka. He stands, walks up to the first brother and says,

“Your mother is a vicious, greedy woman!”

The brother tells him to shut up and go sit down.

After about 5 minutes, the old man stands and walks up to the second brother,

“I sleep with your mother whenever I want!”

Disgusted, the brother tells the old man to bugger off.

A few minutes later, the old man stands and starts walking towards the third brother. All three brothers turn around and yell,

“Dad, go home!”

2. You’re at a bad hotel when the bed mint moves.

3. “Visi, Vermini, Vomnui” – I visited, I freaked, I threw up.

4. The President’s Vacation

George and Laura Bush take a vacation to Crawford and decide to go the grocery store. In the checkout line, Laura recognizes the man working at the register as an old high school boyfriend. After chatting, they leave the store and George says,

“Wow, imagine if you had married him. You’d be married to a grocery store clerk now instead of the President of the United States.”

Laura rolls her eyes and says, “No. I’d be married to the President of the United States.”

5. “Veni, Veneri, Vamoosi” – I came, I caught a disease, I ran away.”

Typically, just the act of traveling produces more than a few funny moments. Get out there and go.

Rick Chapo is with NomadJournals.com - makers of travel accessories. Visit us to read more about Internet travel articles.

Conversation In An Age Of Confusion
What do people talk about when they all believe different things and nobody is sure what the other person believes?

Then you add to that the usual courtesy that most people don’t want to offend other people, especially when it comes to the topics people disagree about with the most intensity, such as politics and religion, which all but the most foolhardy consider way off limits, at least, in what is referred to as polite conversation.

Actually, the silence of the times is far wider. In fact, the silken muffler of a feared indiscretion is wrapped around virtually every significant area of human thought, from philosophy to economics.

So what are we left with? Certain relatively safe topics, like poetry, unless you’re among poets whose egos are hair-trigger ready to fire back their own preferences vehemently. History might also be a good bet, since the overall tale has been pretty well agreed on, unless, once again, you’re with historians who may be simmering with their own disagreements.

The result? Conversation generally defaults to entrancing topics like the weather. Many spend entire evenings discussing such substitute content as one trifling entertainment or inconsequential entertainer after another. Things get really exciting when someone happens to mention how someone else may look tonight. Then there’s always the daring raconteur who’s arrayed with an evenings worth of sexual allusions.

Listening to such excited vapidity, one’s mind wanders to the legendary salons of France, at their epiphany, home, we read, to forthright conversation about the headiest topics of the time, generally centered around the new insights and old illusions of The Age of Reason.

At vagrant moments, you cannot help but ask yourself if the human race ever get to another time when it has enough beliefs in common to enliven its social occasions with conversations that really are interesting.

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."