The Headless Horseman Of Mass Media: Information Everywhere, Philosophy Nowhere

Did you ever notice that we’re surrounded by information but hardly ever come across an idea in the media that might help us lead sane and happy lives? Oh, not the usual self-help drivel about how to lose weight or enjoy sex, but answers to the really big questions, like what to think about when you wake up in the morning and how to drink water out of a plastic bottle without burping.

Try this experiment. Next time you go up to your favorite newsstand, scan all the overwrought front pages and smiley cover stories and try to find at least one suggestion that addresses the biggest questions your have about life. We’re not kidding around here. We’re talking about the big slam-dunk ideas that can actually help you get along with a commendable degree of rationality and happiness.

Of course, you’d think everybody would know enough about such mental resources by the age of sixteen or so, but, judging by the amount of craziness and misery in the world, even among supposedly intelligent people, apparently very few folks ever do marshal their defenses against life’s tribulations and their inspirations toward its delights.

For instance, how about Spalding Gray, whose recent successful foray into New York’s East River, shocked and depressed us all? What was he thinking? Or, going back a way to another misguided riverine escapade, take Robert Schumann, one of the brightest and most generous composers who ever lived. The distracted soul became so frantic and depressed, even with a cute and accomplished wife like Clara, that he walked into the Rhine in the middle of February and, having accidentally survived, begged to spend his last days in an insane asylum.

Obviously, there’s a real need here for some handiwork. So, to help make up for the pervasive vapidity of the usual media and not wanting anything untoward to happen to you, precious reader, but actually wishing you perpetual joy, we herewith present twelve ways to help jaunt through life sane and happy, at least, most of the time.

1. Believe you were born to be sane and happy. It helps you think better of what’s behind it all.

2. To be sane and happy, do great things, because it’s fun, helpful, and makes you feel good about yourself. It’s also generally, but not always, rewarding to be considerate and, if you can afford it, generous.

3. Let other people believe anything they want to and just be happy that they have something that helps them get through this frequently challenging life, unless what they believe is likely to hurt somebody else, especially you. Then just clear out. You can find better friends. If they’re part of your family, wait till they figure out how to love you on their own.

4. Take good care of your life and whatever “made it” will take good care of you, if it takes good care of anybody, providing, of course, it’s sane and happy enough for you to be concerned about, and we do hope and trust it is. Otherwise, why do birds sing, even if some of them, especially the caw-caw choir, obviously never went to music school?

5. Be nice to everybody who isn’t entirely despicable, because everybody else is at least as fragile and uncertain as you are, no matter how big his or her mouth is or how inconsiderate and selfish he or she can be.

6. Remember Philosophy 101 and big Ari’s two generally neglected chestnuts. One: happiness is more likely to come your way if you guide your life “according to reason,” instead of hearkening to the plenteous varieties of idiocy that are somehow still afoot in the world. Two: be guided by The Golden Mean, that is, avoid excess of any kind, primarily because it’s likely to get you into excessive trouble.

Notice, for example, how many people mess up their relationships because they don’t know that the quest for more and more generally leads to less and less, since that inconsiderate rampage negates the value of the individual, who happens to be the only person you can hug and kiss. Also notice how many celebrities are twisting on the agonizing spit of neediness, apparently unaware that infinite need can know no satisfaction.

7. Always keep the wholeness of your life in mind and never let a detail subordinate it and drive you completely to distraction, even when the detail is the person you love, telling you, “I just decided my happiness depends on kissing you goodbye.” Times like these are ideal to remember what your grandmother taught you: count your blessings.

8. Curse without feeling guilty. It’s an outlet that never hurt anybody. And what are words really but just sounds in the air? Never forget: the most forbidden word of all rhymes with luck.

9. Actually, don’t feel guilty about anything, unless you’re so perverse you actually hurt somebody else or, on rare occasions, yourself. Then you should feel really guilty, unless, of course, the other person was trying to hurt you. Then you should feel terrific for beating him or her off and he or she is the one who should feel really guilty.

To free yourself from guilt, we advise the following half-original remedy: See your superego, which may, unfortunately, be parked on your flattened ego, as an agglomeration of internal objects that represent the most influential people in your past. Pretend they’re in a jury box, observing you. They are probably not smiling and saying, “Do whatever you want to, sweetie. We love you and just want you to be happy.” No, they are probably frowning and wagging their fingers, sternly advising, “Don’t do that.” Or “How could you do that?”

Now, here’s the original part of the remedy: one by one turn these oppressive adjudicators upside down and bounce them on their heads.

This innovative tactic helps you realize they’re now just in your mind and therefore they’re within your control. You’ve “internalized them,” like Freud’s perpetually unhappy sons internalized the primal father, along with all of his troublesome rules, and, as Siggy tells us, now this stern but deceased terror is more powerful than ever, because he’s in their minds, even watching their most embarrassing thoughts.

As you no doubt know, helping most guilt-ridden people find a little space where they can breathe free is based on prying their garbage-truck-size superegos off their egos.

One easy way to kick the primal father in the butt is to realize that being able to think of every alternative is the very dynamic that let’s you decide, nobly or ignobly, what you’d actually like to do.

Who knows? With a little persistent head-bouncing, one day you may be able to dismiss the entire jury.

10. Enjoy sex and alcohol. You were born to enjoy the first, and you need to enjoy the second.

Amazing how many people take responsibility for the fact that they have normal desires. Relax. You didn’t design the setup. Your job is just to live with it. Obviously, nature believed in pleasure more than any moralizer you’re likely to come across, at least, when he or she is speaking in public.

Second, ever notice how people who don’t drink are usually really uptight and frequently get pale about the age of 40, lock up, and eventually stroke out. Your body needs a nice, reliable way to relax, especially in a workaday world that’s all set up to stress out even The Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz, and the thing booze has over pills is that it tastes good.

Just don’t get drunk, because you’ll feel sick and maybe get arrested for DWI or kill some innocent person or other drunk who’s driving toward you.

11. Don’t worry about when the sun is going to burn out. You have more immediate concerns.

12. If you become overly concerned about what may await you when the curtain comes down on your life, remember how many problems you had before you were born. If still concerned, consult sane and happy hint number seven, sentence two.

Bonus idea. We said only twelve but we have another big idea, alluded to, for comic effect, at the start, that we can’t resist sharing for good luck.

13. How to drink out of plastic bottles.

Surprisingly, there is a way to drink water out of a plastic bottle without inhaling so much air you have to burp revoltingly three or four times. Astonishingly enough, there is also a way to drink soda out of a big plastic bottle without the bubbly getting flatter as the bottle gets emptier.

When you drink right out of a bottle of water, especially Poland Spring, which, as you may have noticed, has an orifice so tiny you almost think the company doesn’t actually want you to drink it, just buy it. Place the rim on your lower lip so that the upper part of the curve is still exposed to the air. Then you can pour it down, instead of sucking on it like a desperate baby dealing with a retentive nipple.

With big bottles of soda, each time you pour a glass, squeeze it until there’s very little air in it and then put the cap on tightly. Now, there’s hardly any space for the fizz to evaporate into. Admittedly, the flattened, bent thing will look odd in your refrigerator but at least the bubbly stuff will stay tangy.

Unfortunately, this resourceful trick doesn’t work with champagne, because it obviously doesn’t come in plastic bottles, at least, not yet.

We assume that now you’re ready to face life, prepared for any eventuality, which, if experience is any indication, will contain the usual confoundedly unpredictable mix of devastations and delights, which, if you really think about it, is the main thing that makes life mind-teasingly interesting.

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

Related Information of Interest:

Senior Ticked For Walking Too Slow; Others Try Roller Skates
An 82-year-old woman was recently issued a ticket in California for crossing a street too slowly. A police officer, who arrived on a motorcycle, told her she was obstructing traffic – and issued her a summons for $114.

Responding to the uproar caused by the curious traffic ticket, the municipality has begun to wonder if it should work out ways to help seniors cross streets without fear of incurring a penalty.

It is, of course, much too optimistic to hope that the municipality and the nation at large will speed to their rescue with such startling innovations as walk signs that last longer.

As a result, seniors, alarmed by the pricy citation, particularly those who are living on social security, are taking steps of their own, as they frantically search for ways to hurry along. Of course, electric wheelchairs have long been an option. But many simply don’t see themselves in the undeniably helpful items, at least, not until they encounter accidents due to the other resources they’ve been turning to, for instance, roller skates.

We also understand that bicycles have been selling briskly, particularly near retirement communities.

Of course, those who are fortunate enough to live with more able partners have the luxury of looking into other options, such as little red wagons and, in rural areas, wheelbarrows.

In a nutshell, seniors are turning to every possible mode of expedition they can think of, which generally means they’re equipped with the age-old facilitation of wheels.

While these alternative modes of transportation might offer suitable answers during balmier times, there is some concern about what to do when snow and ice cover the ground. Among the more daring sorts, there is talk of skis, while others are considering ice skates.

Until then, we can at least be glad that the dear recipient of the instigating ticket was not also issued points. Enough of those, and she’d have to be concerned about losing her walking license.

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

Conversation In An Age Of Confusion
What do people talk about when they all believe different things and nobody is sure what the other person believes?

Then you add to that the usual courtesy that most people don’t want to offend other people, especially when it comes to the topics people disagree about with the most intensity, such as politics and religion, which all but the most foolhardy consider way off limits, at least, in what is referred to as polite conversation.

Actually, the silence of the times is far wider. In fact, the silken muffler of a feared indiscretion is wrapped around virtually every significant area of human thought, from philosophy to economics.

So what are we left with? Certain relatively safe topics, like poetry, unless you’re among poets whose egos are hair-trigger ready to fire back their own preferences vehemently. History might also be a good bet, since the overall tale has been pretty well agreed on, unless, once again, you’re with historians who may be simmering with their own disagreements.

The result? Conversation generally defaults to entrancing topics like the weather. Many spend entire evenings discussing such substitute content as one trifling entertainment or inconsequential entertainer after another. Things get really exciting when someone happens to mention how someone else may look tonight. Then there’s always the daring raconteur who’s arrayed with an evenings worth of sexual allusions.

Listening to such excited vapidity, one’s mind wanders to the legendary salons of France, at their epiphany, home, we read, to forthright conversation about the headiest topics of the time, generally centered around the new insights and old illusions of The Age of Reason.

At vagrant moments, you cannot help but ask yourself if the human race ever get to another time when it has enough beliefs in common to enliven its social occasions with conversations that really are interesting.

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

Marching Along
1. In England, until the Gregorian calendar was adopted in 1752, March was considered what month of the calendar year?
A. First
B. Fourth
C. Eighth
D. Last

A. First
QQ: In England, until the Gregorian calendar was adopted in 1752, March was considered the first month with the legal year beginning on March 25.

2. What animal is honored on March 1?
A. Pig
B. Horse
C. Cow
D. Chicken

A. Pig
QQ: March 1 is National Pig Day. It was started by Texas art teacher Ellen Stanley in 1972 to honor and give thanks to our most intelligent domesticated creature.

3. Also known as St. David's Day, what country holds March 1 as its National Day?
A. Ireland
B. England
C. Wales
D. Scotland

C. Wales
QQ: March 1, St. David's Day, is the national day of Wales. St. David was the founder and first abbot-bishop of Menevia, now St. David's in Dyfed, South Wales. The day is commemorated by the wearing of daffodils or leeks. Both plants are traditionally regarded as national emblems.

4. What organ of the body is honored the third week in March?
A. Heart
B. Skin
C. Lungs
D. Brain

D. Brain
QQ: The third week of March is Brain Awareness Week in support of brain disease and research.

5. What favorite food is honored in March?
A. Soup
B. Eggs
C. Steak
D. Noodles

D. Noodles
QQ: As legend has it, noodles were first made by 13th century German bakers who fashioned dough into symbolic shapes, such as words, birds and stars. These "nudels" were then baked and served as bread. March national noodle month.

6. According to Roman mythology, Mars is the God of War. He was also regarded as what?
A. Father of Rome
B. Destroyer of Rome
C. Founder of Rome
D. Builder of Rome

A. Father of Rome
QQ: One of the most important Roman deities, Mars was regarded as the father of the Roman people because he was the father of Romulus, the legendary founder of Rome. Although his original nature and functions are obscure, Mars was identified by the Romans with the Greek god of war, Ares. The month of March was named for Mars.

7. The week of March 20-26 is designated to honor what childhood pastime?
A. Chewing Gum
B. Bubbles
C. Slinky
D. Yoyo

B. Bubbles
QQ: March 20 to 26, 2004, is "National Bubble Week," the week for kids of all ages to celebrate the fun and enchantment of bubbles. The first-ever Bubble Week was in 2000 and was initiated by Oddzon, makers of Koosh Bubbles. The event was created to herald the first day of spring -- the unspoken first day of the bubble-blowing season.

8. March has its own insect, the March ____. What is it?
A. Bee
B. Moth
C. Beetle
D. Fly

D. Fly
QQ: There are about 119,500 known species of flies and they make up the fourth largest insect order, after the beetles, butterflies and moths, and bees and wasps.

9. What piece of foul weather gear is honored in the month of March?
A. Raincoat
B. Galoshes
C. Rubber boots
D. Umbrella

D. Umbrella
QQ: March is national umbrella month As a shade from the sun, the umbrella is of great antiquity. It is only more recently we have come to see the umbrella as protection from rain.

10. What favorite snack food is honored in the month of March?
A. Corn chips
B. Popcorn
C. Peanuts
D. Cheese curds

C. Peanuts
QQ: March is National Peanut Month. National Peanut Month had its beginnings as National Peanut Week in 1941. It was expanded to a month-long celebration in 1974.

You can enjoy more trivia created by Deanna Mascle at A Trivia Break, The QuizQueen, and Trivial Topics. Submitted with Article Distributor.

Mountain Bikes – A Mainstream Riding Style
Mountain bike riders must have shock system type of bikes that include full suspension and hard tail and even no suspension. The shock system is important as because it helps to absorb the impact over rugged terrain that provide a smoother ride. Full suspension bikes got suspension in both the front and the rear of the bike. Hard tail bikes have solid rear fork and shock system in place of the front fork. Mountain bikes with lower end models do not have a shock system in the front or in the back of the bike.

Types of Mountain Bikes to Enjoy

Mountain bikes for cross-country riders are ideal for small to moderate train and they got both climbing and descending capabilities as well. The travel in the rear suspension system is less than four inches that does not hinder the ability to climb hills. The standard numbers of gears on cross-country bikes are 28 providing a wide range of gears suitable for the traveling over varied terrain.

In mountain bikes, trail bikes are more substantial than cross country bikes as they are intended for use for more technical mountain bike rides. The travel in suspension systems used on these bikes ranges is from 4-7 inches. This increased travel allows for a very smoother ride but makes pedaling uphill more difficult too. Mountain bikers have to weigh the decreased pedal efficiency versus a smoother ride.

The down hill mountain bikes detailed with the front and rear shock that have up to eight inches of travel. These bikes are specifically designed to do downhill racing. The amount of travel in the suspension systems makes it difficult to pedal uphill, for this reason these bikes are used almost exclusively for the downhill races where the shock systems allows smooth possible ride over harsh terrain at high speeds also.

Dirt jump bikes are one more verity in mountain bikes, which have only a front suspension system and used for flying over jumps. They have 16 gears in these bikes which allows the rider to build up the speed they need while making jumps.

Alastair Hamilton is a successful writer who contributes adding technical articles on road and mountain bikes to bike mags.