Rush Limbaugh Humor: 2 Adult Beverage Recipes Any Dittohead Will Love

During the course of his celebrated career, Rush Limbaugh invented the term "adult beverages" to refer to alcoholic drinks so as not to offend mothers with young children listening to the show. But no insight was given on where to find the best dittohead adult beverages. That's why I created The Dittohead's Guide to Adult Beverages, a political humor book fans of the show will love.

Just try out these great recipes:

ENVIRONMENTALIST WACKO WHISKEY

Glass: Your Own Cupped Hands

Ingredients:

1 Part Triple Sec (as long as it wasn’t made in a wicked corporate factory)
2 Parts Whiskey (homemade by Sierra Club members in an earth-friendly distillery)
1 Part Grain Alcohol (flammable liquid used by the Earth Liberation Front to burn SUVs)
1 Frozen Pond (the result of any number of man-made environmental catastrophes)
1 Dolphin (the pinnacle of creation, according to environmentalist wackos)

Instructions: First, cut several ice cubes from the surface of a frozen pond (these should be abundant due to the smog effect blocking the sun's rays in preparation for the coming ice age). Avoid using a freezer to produce your ice cubes, because freezers are a capitalist-concocted first cousin of man's worst enemy – the air conditioner. Next, combine ingredients (along with your pond cubes) in your own cupped hands. Don't you dare use a glass instead of your hands, because the process of making glass destroys Mother Earth.

Origin: This adult beverage is named in honor of environmentalist wackos, a fringe movement (not to be confused with serious and responsible ecology-minded people) that believes mankind is the greatest threat to nature, seeks to destroy private property, and longs to establish a socialist regime to impose their nuttiness on the rest of us.

Special Note: For years environmentalist wackos have told us that dolphins are superior to humans – despite the absence of dolphin highways, libraries, or institutions of higher learning. But for all their supposed brilliance, I challenge any environmentalist wacko to find a dolphin that can make an adult beverage as good as this one!

EL RUSHBO

Glass: A Highball Glass Emblazoned with the EIB Network Logo

Ingredients:

1 Part Rum (shares the first two letters of its name with Rush!)
2 Parts Blue Gatorade (consumed while playing a round of golf in honor of Rush)
2 Parts Sprite (in recognition of capitalist lemon-lime soda companies)
1 Prestigious Attila the Hun Chair (symbolic of complete radio industry dominance)
Talent on Loan From God (why liberals don’t stand a chance against El Rushbo)

Instructions: Utilizing talent on loan from God (assuming that, unlike most liberals, you acknowledge the existence of God), combine ingredients in a highball glass emblazoned with the EIB logo and top off with whipped cream (but please use the whipped cream in this adult beverage recipe the way Rush would use it and not in the manner in which Bill Clinton would use it). Enjoy from the comfortable confines of your own Attila the Hun chair, the undisputed seat of talk-radio industry power.

Origin: This dittohead adult beverage is affectionately named in honor of Rush Limbaugh – lover of mankind, protector of motherhood, supporter of fatherhood (in most instances), general all-around good guy, and a man designated by the US Department of Education as a bona fide “weapon of mass instruction.”

Special Note: This adult beverage is documented to almost always taste great, 96.712 percent of the time, just as El Rushbo is documented to be almost always right, 97.963 percent of the time!

Britt Gillette is author of The Dittohead’s Guide to Adult Beverages (Regnery 2005), a political humor book for fans of Rush Limbaugh.

Related Information of Interest:

It’s No Joke, Laughter is Awesome Medicine!
You go right ahead! Laugh and cackle to the point of losing your breath! Laughter has enormous amounts of health benefits ranging from affecting diabetes to lowering risks of heart attacks and everything in between!

In this modern world that we live in, full of medicinal remedies and medical breakthroughs, who would ever dream that something as simple as laughter could induce such amazing benefits to your health that could rival highly scientific compounds found in drugs of today?

The idea that laughter may have some serious benefits to our health may have been what spurned on many scientific research projects pertaining to the benefits of laughter on our bodies. Over the years, countless experiments have concluded with scientific data that laughter has one of the most astounding benefits for your health. We have heard about the positive impact animals and clowns have had on nursing home and terminally ill children. Scientists have taken that idea a step further. Experiments have been conducted on such things as type II Diabetes which is an increasing problem for many Americans today. A study done in Japan at the Foundation for Advancement of International Science, Bio-Laboratory, found that laughter helps regulate gene expression to help control type II Diabetes. This is a huge discovery. This means that laughter has such a homeopathic effect on even the gene expression on our DNA that perhaps if we were a happier sort the gene that causes type II Diabetes may possibly never be expressed. Granted, it will likely not take the place of insulin therapy, but it may be key in helping to prevent the disease.

Studies also suggest that laughter positively affects rheumatoid arthritis by affecting the level of the condition as well as psychological benefits in controlling stress and stress related conditions. Perhaps the biggest discovery, published by S. Karger AG, Basel, is that laughter is now being proven to alleviate some of the lasting effects of heart attacks such as less medication and fewer repeat attacks with humor therapy of just thirty minutes per day. Can you imagine the impact?

Go ahead and laugh. Point and giggle, do it with pride and do it for your health. You may be preventing Diabetes when you cackle aloud. You could be keeping yourself from having a heart attack or stroke when you belly laugh to the point of tears. It’s ok! It will be contagious and soon everyone around you will be laughing too. Life can sometimes be serious and tiring, but if you look around and can draw some laughter out of what may seem mundane you could possibly be helping your health. Learn a new joke and tell it to everyone you know no matter if you are a good joke teller or not! Join a Laughter Yoga class at your local ‘Y’ even! Go ahead, laugh! Your health can truly depend on it!

This article was written by Chad Ferguson of www.funnies.com/. Funnies.com is THE place to go for thousands of funny jokes, pictures, greeting cards and more. Laugh it up! Reproductions of this article are encouraged but must include a link back to www.funnies.com/

Iraqi Insurgents In Secret Talks; Admit May Be Fighting Wrong Enemy
Iraqi insurgent groups, in secret talks with resourcefully pacifying President Jalal Talabani, admitted they may have been fighting the wrong enemy. Upon hearing the admission, President Talibani slapped his forehead so hard he fell over backwards and was unconscious for approximately three days.

Upon being resuscitated, he continued the talks. Apparently, the insurgents, most of whom are Sunni Muslims, have slowly begun to realize that American and coalition troops, who they have been making their best efforts to kill, may not be the real enemy. It seems they are also growing disenchanted with the practice of blowing up a dozen or so of their fellow countrymen every day.

While it is far too soon to expect them to realize that coalition troops are actually the helpful heroes who liberated their country from murderous despotism and will be delighted to depart their sandy realm as soon as they can get their act together and run their own country, the groups have indicated a marginal willingness to consider giving up their various armaments and roadside explosives.

Behind the change in their sentiment seems to be, not only their longtime-overdue displeasure with dismembering their own nation, but the realization that they are dangerously bordered by their traditional enemy, Iran, as they have been for quite a few thousand years, and that, because of the continuing discord, Iran has managed to increase its influence in the country, particularly among their uneasy Mosque fellows, the Shiite contingent of the legions of Mohammed. This perception is especially upsetting to the insurgents, because, as noted above, most of them are rival Sunni “Mosque-ovites.”

Their infuriatingly slow realization of the error of their ways is likely to elicit hardly more than ironic displeasure from the many families, coalition and Iraqi alike, who have lost loved ones during their misguided rampage.

But at least their willingness to talk and to consider mending their detonative ways is a glimmer of hope for the families whose sons and daughters are still in Iraq, attempting to do the right thing by the Iraqi people, Sunni and Shiite alike.

May the day soon come when enough of the knuckleheads realize the error of their war so we and the other nations that are in the hot sands we’ve gotten ourselves into can finally get our much underappreciated troops the heck out of there.

Tom Attea, creator of NewsLaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."