Rumsfeld Appoints Self Retired General; Rushes To Own Defense

Donald Rumsfeld, under fire from a platoon of retired generals who have called for his resignation, went on the offensive by appointing himself a retired general.

Accompanied by a currently employed general, who, as the head of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff, is his usual sidekick, he stated, “As The Secretary of Defense, I think I should at least be on an equal footing with a retired general, and, after careful consideration, I decided to become one.”

A reporter then asked, “As a retired general, what is your opinion on Donald Rumsfeld?”

“I think he’s doing an outstanding job,” Rumsfeld replied. “In fact, I think, while I’ve said no one is indispensable, there’s always an exception to the rule.”

“How about his handling of the war in Iraq?” another reporter queried.

“What war in Iraq?” Rumsfeld countered. “The war in Iraq was over the day we pulled down Saddam Hussein’s statue. What’s going on now is the post-war recovery.”

“There are some who say you underestimated the resources that would be required in the post-war period. Can you comment on that?”

“As a retired general, the post-war scenario is not my specialty. On the other hand, as The Secretary of Defense, I can say that, while I used all of my absolutely first-rate foresight, I am not clairvoyant. Therefore, I could not know beforehand how many Sunnis, who had it better under Saddam’s tyranny, would rather destroy their own country than live in peace with the Shiite majority. Since I couldn’t know that the two warring Muslim factions would destabilize their own country, I could not possibly anticipate how much stabilization we’d have to try to establish. Nor could I anticipate how many members of al-Qaeda would come rushing in and try to turn the self-destabilized country into the next frontier of their suicidal goal of establishing a pan-Arab medievalist Islamic tyranny.”

“Would you change anything in hindsight?” another reporter asked.

“Of course, I would. Like everybody else, I do have clairvoyant hindsight. First, I would have made myself a retired general a long time ago, so I could have been the first one to stand up for myself, instead of taking all the potshots I’ve had to before I realized how to deflect them. Second, during the invasion, I would have dropped a ton of leaflets on Iraq that predisposed the population to peace.”

“What kind of leaflets?” a reporter asked.

“Ones we would have, at that early date, been able to translate into their language with an Iraqi-English dictionary: Shiite + Sunni = Nice Peaceful Country. Shiite – Sunni = Lots of Dead People.”

“Do you think those leaflets would have made a difference?” a reporter asked.

“Of course. While no leaflet is indispensable, it would have helped these warring factions realize if you can’t live in peace with each other, you can’t do anything together except kill each other.”

The final question came from a reporter, who asked, “Do you plan to retire?”

“You missed the point,” Secretary Rumsfeld replied. “I already retired. How do you think I became I retired general.”

“I mean, do you intend to retire as Secretary of State?”

“I think one retirement every decade or so is plenty, don’t you?”

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

Related Information of Interest:

Senior Ticked For Walking Too Slow; Others Try Roller Skates
An 82-year-old woman was recently issued a ticket in California for crossing a street too slowly. A police officer, who arrived on a motorcycle, told her she was obstructing traffic – and issued her a summons for $114.

Responding to the uproar caused by the curious traffic ticket, the municipality has begun to wonder if it should work out ways to help seniors cross streets without fear of incurring a penalty.

It is, of course, much too optimistic to hope that the municipality and the nation at large will speed to their rescue with such startling innovations as walk signs that last longer.

As a result, seniors, alarmed by the pricy citation, particularly those who are living on social security, are taking steps of their own, as they frantically search for ways to hurry along. Of course, electric wheelchairs have long been an option. But many simply don’t see themselves in the undeniably helpful items, at least, not until they encounter accidents due to the other resources they’ve been turning to, for instance, roller skates.

We also understand that bicycles have been selling briskly, particularly near retirement communities.

Of course, those who are fortunate enough to live with more able partners have the luxury of looking into other options, such as little red wagons and, in rural areas, wheelbarrows.

In a nutshell, seniors are turning to every possible mode of expedition they can think of, which generally means they’re equipped with the age-old facilitation of wheels.

While these alternative modes of transportation might offer suitable answers during balmier times, there is some concern about what to do when snow and ice cover the ground. Among the more daring sorts, there is talk of skis, while others are considering ice skates.

Until then, we can at least be glad that the dear recipient of the instigating ticket was not also issued points. Enough of those, and she’d have to be concerned about losing her walking license.

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

Kenny Rogers' Plastic Surgery
So who does not know Kenny Rogers? The man who made poker one of the most well known old west games with his soulful "The Gambler" song in the early 1980's. He has long been a staple of the country music scene even though he seems to be a bit behind the times when it comes to the pop music that now passes for country. This is nothing that surprises many as Rogers has been linked to a good many stars with his duets and such. Of course there is the matter that he has had several wives. He has many times confessed that he is incredibly hard to live with and can be a bad husband at times. So many people are now asking how he managed to get the new youthful look. Once he was the rugged looking type that made the songs he sang about the old west and such have some credibility but now that has all changed. There has been some Kenny Rogers' plastic surgery going on and that is no surprise to anyone in the scene.

Early in his career Rogers was often times teased about his weight. While he has never been what you would call fat, he has been heavy and sometimes looked a bit bloated. For this he enlisted some help to make himself more on the cutting edge of the new stars that were appearing. He managed to get his weight under control and that meant a lot of work but it has worked for him well. Then to add insult to injury he was becoming a bit old looking. The many lines around his eyes showed the signs of his lifestyle which sometimes mirrored the men in his songs. His constant on the go theme of life had finally caught up with him and there was little that he himself could do about it. The damage had been done and Kenny Rogers' plastic surgery seemed to be the only answer.

Kenny Rogers' plastic surgery seemed to be a disaster from the start. He went in to have some of the aging look taken care of and ended up looking horrible. This is one of the more sore spots for Rogers as he tells a good many reporters that this is not the way that he intended to look but that is what he got. He knows all to well that the skin around his eyes is pulled too tight and that his face looks like it may rip open. Even though his new wife tells him that he looks great, he knows better and is enlisting the help of a team of plastic surgeons to undo what has been done already.

About the author: Click here for information about green tea and health solutions.

Curb The TV Habit In 3 Easy Steps
So you're not quite ready to throw the TV away, but you're limiting the time spent viewing television in your home? Here are some easy tips that have worked for me.

1) Identify when and why you watch and change your habits

Do you usually turn the tube on when you get home from work? Why? Do you turn it on in the late afternoon when the kids get home? Why?

Sometimes the TV goes on when we're tired or bored. If you're tired, you either need to: get more sleep or get more exercise. So instead of automatically flipping on the television, why not go for a 10 minute walk to refresh yourself? Or, take a nap!

If you're turning on the TV to "zone out" and decompress after a busy day, try developing a new, healthier habit.

Some examples:

Brew a nice cup of hot tea and drink it slowly.
Write in a journal.
Put your feet up on the couch and listen to music.
Do crossword puzzles (a recent study showed that people who do crosswords on a regular basis are less likely to get Alzheimer's disease.)

2) Make TV watching inconvenient.

A TV does not belong in the bedroom! Keeping one there is bad for a marriage and bad for your love life! It also contributes to insomnia. Put the television in an inconvenient place like the basement. Unplug it. Cover it with a blanket.

3) Give up cable.

I decided a long time ago that I would never have cable. I can think of about a thousand other ways to spend $50 a month (Starbucks, anyone?) plus my husband would probably spend all his time watching the Discovery channel instead of talking to me!

If you live in a semi-rural area, you might not even get any channels if you cancel your cable service. But that would be a good thing if you're trying to limit TV! You can use the TV as a "movie machine" and rent DVDs so that you can at least control the content better.

Here's to turning off the TV and turning on life!

InsteadofTV.com is a valuable resource for families wanting to kick the TV habit. Sign up for your free "101 Things To Do Instead of TV" at www.InsteadofTV.com

Bird Photography
Birds have been one of the greatest subject for photographers for centuries now because they have an inspiring beauty and mystify us with their gift of flight and diversity. When it comes to photographing birds and their behavior, catching it on film will add a tremendous visual impact and feeling to any picture. There are different locations where birds gather, but really the best place you may what to start is your backyard. The thing about birds is that they are busy little bodies and a bird feeder in the backyard is a great place to get a picture when they are feeding or even the bird in the air getting ready to pounce one of the birds that is currently feeding.

When you venture out of your backyard to look for birds to photograph your vehicle may just become your newest piece of equipment. Birds see our cars less of a threat then a person carrying a long lens underneath their arm. A vehicle makes for a great blind and along with this patience is a virtue. When you find a location such as a prime feeding ground, park a bit of a ways from it and stop your engine to cut down on noise that may scare them.

Standard,wide-angle and short zoom lenses can be used for photographing birds, but for serious bird photography, a quality 500 mm or 600 mm telephoto lens is ideal.

Please keep in mind to avoid any situation that can put stress on the birds and their surroundings. If you notice a bird that is starting to show any kind of stress, this means that there is a nest or chicks near by. Any further picture taking should be disengaged and you should leave the immediate area. As a photographer of birds or any wildlife, it is a good thing to remember not to put ourselves or the birds around us in any kind of danger.

Albreht Moy has fine art reproductions on his site.