Bathroom Palacial

I had to play a joke on the maid at a hotel where I was staying. You know that little paper wrapper they place over the toilet seat, that thin paper band that is supposed to convince you that the facility is clean. You normally take the paper band off and throw it away when you go to use the john. Instead, I saved mine and each morning before leaving the room slipped it back on the toilet seat, giving the impression I never used it.

After day five of this I could only imagine the maid’s reaction.

Staring, she said, “What are you, some kind of a lizard?”

To me, bathrooms are like Greek temples, made of stone and cool marble, reassuring, serene, little worlds of their own, a place of refuge, shut away from the world and its problems.

Such places thus earn the more dignified name of “rest room.”

For example, if you hate your dead-end job, and you share a communal bathroom down the hall with the employees of other companies in the building, chances are you’ll spend more time here than you should, away from a threatening, dishonest boss, ringing phones and mountains of paperwork.

I admit I’m selfish. When I use the communal john, I want it all to myself---alone.

I also don’t want my imitation Greek temple sullied. Therefore, I never perform major bodily functions here (the only time I ever did I was sick).

There’s this guy. Every morning at 8:45 a.m. he’s seated on the throne. Now, I fully know this is not a common subject for a column, and I don’t want you to think I’m strange. But I’m truly curious about this guy, perplexed, baffled, whatever.

Since it’s only 8:45 in the morning, he can’t have been at work very long, not much more than an hour. Why can’t he hold it longer? Why can’t he do his disgusting business at home before he comes to work?

What does he do, process food like a goose?

Now, we all drink coffee, which I admit goes through you pretty fast. So I’m not against use of the john for small calls of nature. But I’m thinking of posting a sign, which reads, “This Facility Used for Minimal Body Functions Only.”

Don’t foul my Greek temple with your digesting bowels.

More bathroom palacial.

Bathrooms like restaurants should be rated in travel books as to how good they are. For instance, we’ve all seen gas station bathrooms in truck stops on Labor Day where the unflushed facility hasn’t been cleaned and the globs of stuff in there are so putrid you think they may reach out and grab you.

Such places assign us lower on the scale of evolution.

Disgusting!

Then there are bathrooms like the one I saw at Pebble Beach Resort. The heart soars. You could eat off the floor. Little, moist cloth towels hanging from silver trays for cleaning your hands. Embossed toilet paper. Gleaming brass and silver fixtures.

A dream come true.

I was in tears.

© Copyright 2004 by SammonSays.com

John Sammon is the author of two books and writes a weekly humor column you may access at Sammonsays.com.

Related Information of Interest:

Conversation In An Age Of Confusion
What do people talk about when they all believe different things and nobody is sure what the other person believes?

Then you add to that the usual courtesy that most people don’t want to offend other people, especially when it comes to the topics people disagree about with the most intensity, such as politics and religion, which all but the most foolhardy consider way off limits, at least, in what is referred to as polite conversation.

Actually, the silence of the times is far wider. In fact, the silken muffler of a feared indiscretion is wrapped around virtually every significant area of human thought, from philosophy to economics.

So what are we left with? Certain relatively safe topics, like poetry, unless you’re among poets whose egos are hair-trigger ready to fire back their own preferences vehemently. History might also be a good bet, since the overall tale has been pretty well agreed on, unless, once again, you’re with historians who may be simmering with their own disagreements.

The result? Conversation generally defaults to entrancing topics like the weather. Many spend entire evenings discussing such substitute content as one trifling entertainment or inconsequential entertainer after another. Things get really exciting when someone happens to mention how someone else may look tonight. Then there’s always the daring raconteur who’s arrayed with an evenings worth of sexual allusions.

Listening to such excited vapidity, one’s mind wanders to the legendary salons of France, at their epiphany, home, we read, to forthright conversation about the headiest topics of the time, generally centered around the new insights and old illusions of The Age of Reason.

At vagrant moments, you cannot help but ask yourself if the human race ever get to another time when it has enough beliefs in common to enliven its social occasions with conversations that really are interesting.

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

Gossip: What People Say About It
We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it. We decided, at a reader’s request, to write about gossip and, along the way, to note what others have gossiped about it.

What might one say under the influence of a confessional potion when asked, “Why do you always talk about other people?”

We imagined the reply, “Apparently, because I have nothing much to say about myself.”

Before we turn to the little basket of quotes we picked for you, we can also pass along a couple of our own consolations. One, it’s a lot better to be interesting enough to be talked about than to be the interested party who’s doing the talking. Two, gossip’s empty gambits take place in a playground, actually, on a seesaw. The child who delights to babble sees you way up there – the higher the better – and thinks that by putting you down he or she will put himself or herself up. Tada!

Now, we turn to what others have gossiped about it. It appears, not surprisingly, that brilliance has enlivened the subject only rarely.

“The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” George Bernard Shaw

“I know that’s a secret, for it’s whispered everywhere.” William Congreve

“They come together like the Coroner’s Inquest, to sit upon the murdered reputations of the week.” Congreve

“I hate to spread rumors, but what else can you do with them?” Amanda Lear

“If you haven’t got anything good to say about anyone come and sit by me.” Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt this mixture at all her friends.” Harold Nicolson

“I’m called away by particular business – but I leave my character behind me.” Richard Brinsley Sheridan

“Here is the whole set! A character dead at every word.” Same Sheridan

“There is only one thing in the world that is worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” Oscar Wilde

“A professional athlete – of the tongue.” Aldous Huxley

Social sewage.” George Meredith

“Foul whisperings.” William Shakespeare (Sometimes referrred to in gossip as Billy Wigglestick)

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing ""delightfully funny" and "witty" with "good, genuine laughs."

Watching TV Has Never Been More Fun
Have you ever found yourself yelling at the TV after your team just made a boneheaded play and realize there is no one else to share your pain? Or, overcome with emotion when your favorite character died on the O.C., Lost, or 24 and realize there’s not another soul in the room that cares? Have you ever been so engrossed in a show that you would have given anything to be able to interact with the producers, writers, or even the actors? For the past 70 years, television has primarily been an anti-social, one-way device, without an outlet for social interactivity. Well, now that’s changed. Meet BuddyTV.

As more and more people get broadband Internet connections and put computers in their TV rooms (or laptops on their, well, laps) the notion of television as a one-way street is no longer reasonable. While you watch your favorite show, celebrities, experts, friends, family or (possibly) mortal enemies may be providing live commentary at BuddyTV. Everything imaginable is available; live video, live audio, live text, and interactive polls are all part of the BuddyTV experience. In fact, you can broadcast your own, private, live commentary to all your friends and neighbors. The television experience is now a communal one, where people can interact and socialize with both their friends and celebrities.

Television is never going away and it still draws enormous worldwide audiences; the most popular shows in the US drive over 30MM viewers per show. As the world becomes smaller and the global community continues to effortlessly reach across borders and oceans, television must adapt and become a community hub whose programming brings people closer together. It is happening today and it’s exciting, with BuddyTV leading the charge. Watching TV has never been more fun and exciting. Try BuddyTV out and ask youself this: Is this the next evolution of TV?

So, if you want to find our more about The OC or especially about 24, please visit this website BuddyTV Television

Article Marketing for Search Engine Traffic
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What are the search engines looking for?
New content! In order for any search engine to provide relevant results to their visitors (so their visitors will repeatedly use them) they must provide the best results possible for every search performed on their site.
The best search engine gets more traffic and more traffic means more advertising money for them - so search engines have to be up to date to stay competitive in their market.
The big sites on the net, people, who have page rankings of 5 upwards, obviously serve a ton of visitors per day, provide search engines with a mass of links to follow and index. Thatï¿½s why they go back to the big sites more often than the little ones.
High traffic, very popular sites are visited by the search engine robots more often than sites with little traffic. Some large sites are visited by search engines as much as 2-4 times per month.
How can article marketing increase your search engine traffic?
By submitting articles you can get links from these high traffic sites. Furthermore you can optimize your articles with your search terms to get high rankings for that particular page. This would otherwise take weeks on a new site as oppose to a well established one such as this.
Each of these sites will have its own resource area, at the end of the article, writers include a bit of Author information on where to find out more about them. Place your website link in here and bobï¿½s your uncle the search engines will find your site through that link.
The more articles you submit with your website link in them, the more pages on the net you have pointing to you from high traffic sites and the better your ranking and link popularity.
Many good article sites these days create RSS feeds for each category. This provides an additional opportunity to market your site and article to people who subscribe to the feeds.
Start submitting your articles today. You will be amazed at the results they yield.

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